• Micropreemie Mommy

Our First Kangaroo Time, That was thought to be the Last


Around two weeks after baby k's birth she weighed only 15 ounces. On September 10th we went to pick her first books for me to read to her, just in case it was my only chance. When we got to her room we were told she dying. None of her organs were getting oxygen and her blood work was so bad, it was thought to be irreversible. It was the first day that one of her eyes opened... I was so exited, I said "look her eye is open she's looking around." The doctor told me that even though her eye was open ,she wasn't there, her body had already shut down. She stayed in her room or right outside of the door all night. She leaned her elbows against her incubator and pulled her own hair as we all impatiently waited for changes. Our daughter was requiring %100 oxygen at this point. After at least 5 switches between different types of ventilators we were told once she dropped under %40 she would pass. Every time the number began to fall her father and I prepared for the worse. We were told we needed to decide what we wanted to be done once she had passed. We were even encouraged to pull the plug because they had done all they could do at that point. Every hour they checked her blood work to see if the changes had helped, and they never did. The doctor asked if we had the chance to hold her yet, and we said no. She encouraged us and said that it was our last hope to save her. I cried to the nurse, "Are you sure it's safe, is she going to die faster if we move her? Is there a chance to save her? Will this help? If I don't hold her is it our only chance." She told us that it's our "last-ditch effort." When she was placed on my chest ,despite weighing less than a pound, her warmth and weight sunk in. It was to most heartbreaking and beautiful moment I've ever experienced. With her state we could only hold her for about an hour. After we put her back, her blood work was taken again and somehow the numbers were getting better. They told us she was going to be okay and that we could sleep. That we needed to. We refused to leave her side, they eventually told us we could stay in a nesting room down the hall. The nesting rooms were usually used for practicing being alone with your baby before leaving the NICU while still having access to hospital staff. After a few minutes of them begging us we finally slept...

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