july 17th… pretty much smack dab in the middle of summer… as a kid, i can’t say i remember july 17th.  summer had a whole different meaning back then and i swear each one lasted a lifetime.  sticky hands, lemonade, bug bites, grass stains and making up breakdancing shows in the yard.  (oh yeah, you love that last one… if only there were video of it now!)  each day was its own entity starting just as the cicadas got going and ending just as the street lights came on (or we went to bubbling brook for ice cream… whichever came first).

entering junior high school brought preteen angst and the anticipation of that school schedule.  who’d be on my team?  were my friends in my classes?  why do we have to read these books when all i want to read is tiger beat and kiss jordan knight posters?  i kept my hair permed faithfully, my braces got tighter and my pants shorter (i grew like a weed!)

high school brought the elusive summer job… summer was the time of hanging out, driving around town with nowhere to go (with about 15 people in the car… way before all this new legislation about junior drivers)  it was a quick summer, full of music and dance practices, rushing to get home before curfew.  i’d cherish those short days as a grocery store cashier and the long nights as a typical suburban teen and wish i never had to go back to classes again.

then college came… summer was a blur… a summer class to catch up here, an internship there… first job, then second, then five mile run… i did anything to pass the time quicker to get back to school.  i longed for the crisp fall mornings on campus, the windburnt lips after the football game, the whispered rumor of where the party was that evening.  naps until 7pm, leaving the dorm room at 11pm.

i still sometimes find myself referring to different parts of the year as semesters… do you?

july 17th 2004… pete and i got married!  we came to love this day for reflection on how far we’ve come and how far we’ve yet to go.  we used it as a time for relaxation for vacation.  2005 and 2006 were spent on mt. desert island and acadia, 2007 on maui and kauai.  2008 was spent a bit closer to home in the mountains of new hampshire and the shores of the cape.

we looked forward to 2009, our fifth year anniversary.  we thought greece, a hawaiian revisit, perhaps even to ireland to track down some long lost relatives… anywhere but home.  *but* the news of heartbeat a and heartbeat b forever changed that.

thinking back to last year at this time.  july *16*th was the day that madeline had her tracheostomy and gastronomy tube procedure. on july 17th i remember sitting in a private room in the nicu as madeline couldn’t tolerate the noise.  the whir of the ventilator, the whine of the suction, the dim light of the nicu bed.  i sat holding her tiny hand as they had her sedated and paralyzed… they had sutured the trach in place and couldn’t chance it moving.  i couldn’t even hold her.  the nurses assured me that all would be ok and that i should go out and get some dinner for our anniversary.  i felt like a horrible mom that day, thinking i could have any sort of happiness while my daughter lie helpless in a bed less than a mile away.

i complied and peter and i had a nice time.  it was great to be out and not home stewing or in the parent “sleep space” wandering the halls.  i rushed back to childrens the next morning and held her hand some more.

what a difference a year makes. july 17th 2010.  pete and my sixth year of wedded bliss.  madeline has been home over a month and seeing those two smiling little devils (i mean angels) smiling back at me makes everything worthwhile (even they are trying to swim in the toilet, swing from the lamps and dismantle the kitchen trash barrel each day)

we’ll go out to dinner tonight, relax and reflect.  i’ll then get to go home and kiss my girls tight into their snuggly cribs… and i wouldn’t have it any other way.